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Monday, June 24, 2013

Suicidal

It was a particularly bad day
When Becky was compelled to say
Don't do anything to hurt yourself.
Something fell off the shelf inside me
Superficial "I'm ok"s
Couldn't hide me
So I utilized a reply-flee
I'm far too egotistical for that.
A glimpse into my best friend's eyes
Provided that her fears hadn't subsided
And she was not satisfied
You can mess and mend over and over again
But you can only kill yourself once
Poetic comeback started to quiver on my lips
And forced me to deliver this:

Hun, I've committed suicide so many times
That I would be surprised
If the Ariel you're talking to doesn't die before these rhymes
If she lasts until tomorrow
It's not an act of lack of pride or sorrow
It's just than when I despise the lies or identity I borrow
I bury them 
And wait for a new individual to stem
From its grave
I could rave
About how many murders I've committed
I do it every time my skin is poorly fitted 
To the situation
Each creation of me 
Is a mutation 
Of the radiation
When I didn't like myself anymore
I've been reinvented so frequently
That as you speak to me
I have enough slaughtered identities
To submerge 10 floors

Because we don't find ourselves
We create them
And I've always been creative
So I do what God did
I make people
My template is my form
His is the earth
So call me Mary
Because I'm a virgin who's given birth
And Jesus Christ
If we're rolling the religious dice
The individuals born
Should be sworn as prophets
And I should get some profits
For setting my soul ablaze
(But I'm Jewish, so none of this shit matters anyways)

And don't you give me that gaze
Because it won't phase me
Just raise me up
Because this world is rough
And when I'm not tough
I make myself into someone who is
There's never been time for me to be a kid
When there wasn't air someone out there
Had to find a way for me to breathe

Can't you see 
I'm not a chameleon
I'm a kaleidoscope
Twisting myself into someone who can cope
When fate can't sate its addiction to tragedy
When pain is life's dope
I have the power
To shower 
And soap up
And adjust into someone I like again

I don't do this to gain friends
Because you'll always be here anyway
But what I'm trying to say
Is that when I feel worthless
And just want to go away
I do
But I just can't resist that yearn to return
So I don't end up in an urn
But a new outfit and outlook

When you look at me today
You see a girl who took many lives
Each of them her own
By simply changing her home and tone
And you might decide this is suicide
But to me it means I've grown
Sewn a new pattern
Onto the quilt of my being

I'm seeing that this is a lot like fleeing
But everything is fleeting
Even the heart beating in my chest
And I must confess
That it scares me
That I find myself so disposable
Opposable 
But that ability in our thumb
Makes us human

This is the face of a new race
One that will displace you stubborn species
Because when everything is feces
Total shit
We say this is it
And shift
Into someone who can lift
The weight of the world

And this must sound so egotistical
Coming from one girl
But there have been so many of me
the freak
the meek
the bleak
the chic
the weird
the teared
the mis-steered
the misheared
the misheard
the herd member
the remembered
I've been below temp
Because I've felt so cold
The centennial 
Because I've felt so old
I'm a perennial
That can't be told to fit the mold
Of everlasting
Because change has been blasting
After since they shoved me on the bus floor
And poured ice tea on me
Screaming
You're worthless

I'd promise you I won't hurt myself
I'd promise you that I would change
But promises are just XLLies
I don't believe in them
But I do believe in the truth
That pieces of you
Fall out
Each a baby tooth
Blood is recycled
And cleansed
So is the heart it runs through

There are 2 things that never deteriorate
My name
Because that's a tattooed label
And that I'm write these poems
Because it's the only thing that's able
To be stable. 

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Contact

Ariel is available and interested in anything creative!
For spoken word performances & workshops, web & graphic design, or other writing/film projects please contact via email at arielsob@usc.edu.
New York & Los Angeles work preferred!