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Thursday, September 19, 2013

Why I Hate You

I don’t hate you because
You’re smart
Or pretty
That you make me look short and shitty
That your hair is perfect
And it looks like you aren’t trying
Even when you are

I don’t hate you because
You’re bold and daring
Tearing down everyone’s personal walls
Pushing them into falls
Without parachutes
That you have so many branches
And never have to show anyone your roots

Or how you strike up conversations in bathroom stalls
Hike up society
Infiltrate us with your variety
Of words
How everyone follows you in herds
That you don’t drink
But yet are the loosest person at the party
The lightweight
Yet everything you state
Is hearty

I don’t hate you because
Every sound you breathe
Untangles weeds
Feeds us with a rush of lust
To be just as fabulous
As you

I don’t hate you
I hate the way you make me feel

You steal
The perception of satisfied imperfection
That used to dwell within me
It flees with this infection
Of how beautifully flawed you are
What’s the point of being a constellation
When the only cosmo is a single star?

You make me feel small
Pin my ability to speak against a wall
Because I was in a drought of self-doubt
Before you let these demons out
Released their dripping warriors
Tripping through my skin
Whispering that the person within
Isn’t big enough for the battle
Because the girl who used to exist
Before you rattled her
Used to be you

The one who had no resistance to do
And I hate you
Because there’s no debate you
Stole not a what but who

Because you’re better at being me than me
I might be a spirit
But you’re the only one who’s truly free
And honestly
I never used to repeat “I suck” so frequently
Before you shuck me out of my niche
I’m looking for hopes in horoscopes
When I was the shmuck who didn’t need luck
Who stuck to convictions
Not some feather drifting through the wind
Looking for predictions
The unknown didn’t scare me
But it didn’t prepare me
To meet someone who could tear me
Into half the girl I used to be
Because when you have gourmet coffee
Why the hell would you want tea
As long as you’re here
Why the hell would he want me?

Because I can’t be the big shot
What happens to the potato when it gets too hot
After it’s dropped
Topped
Which doesn’t make sense because I’ve never felt so naked
I can’t take it
Because I say I’m the happiest I’ve been in my life
But I’m not sure if I’m the same person anymore

If these memories are mine
I can’t see a sign
That knows
My familiar roads
Just loads of confusion
Because lately I’m combining words irately
Like "beautiful delusions"
When I don’t even know what that means
Sewing with unnecessary thread just because it looks good to have seams
Using literary devices
To advert from creative crisis
Because those prepoem feelings have returned
I’m making new art
But in my heart I’m concerned
That it’s not adequate
That my best writing is already written
That I’ve already become the sum of all I am
That past work
Is all on which I can stand
And I try to reprimand this
Hiss of desperation
Saying I’m good at creation
I just need more deliberation
To feel the sensation of words trickling down my tongue
But then I look at you
And I feel so young
Like a lost child
Simple and mild
When I used to be potent and wild
Styled by pulsing veins
Stimulated by the earth and rain
Because a different girl has stolen my name
Driving herself insane
With the threat of shame
Trying to be the same
As everyone around
Hoping if she hides herself well enough
She’ll be found
But I’m not wound this way
I’m the girl who isn’t afraid to say
Her secrets in rhyme
Who’s furies aren’t insecurities
But time
Because every moment is so damn significant
Who looks at each day
As her moment to create something magnificent
Because I sent myself to Los Angeles
To make it big
Figure out how to shout more eloquently
Not shrink into my own skin
Thinking that if I was tall or nice or thin
I’d possess the success for happiness
And I confess that the more people say I’m put together
The more I feel like a fucking mess
Each detail in the way I dress
Is a distraction from another flaw
An attempt to draw some attention
Towards some convention
And prevention from being the girl you see
Not saw
 And I know this poem is unorganized and raw
And I want it to be that way
To let the lines be the same as what they say
Because I am damaged
I’m not ok
Because ok is boring
Sanity leaves me snoring
And I meant to be soaring
Roaring
And not a decibel less
But in front of you I’m microscopic
Some question on a science test
I don’t dislike you because you’re cool or blessed
I hate you because of what you do
Because make me

Hate me.

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Contact

Ariel is available and interested in anything creative!
For spoken word performances & workshops, web & graphic design, or other writing/film projects please contact via email at arielsob@usc.edu.
New York & Los Angeles work preferred!