When Your Best Friend Tells You She's Dating Your X

When your best friend tells you she’s dating your X

You know you’re going to end up writing a poem about it

You feel lines forming

As you ask her, on a date? and she tells you just plain dating

You try to act unsurprised and quickly change the subject

To how much you’d like to watch a new episode of orange is the new black

and when she gets up to pee

you manically repeat the words kill me

Because you already feel like you’re dying inside

Then that edible is kicks in

And you don’t normally do drugs at 10 in the morning

But you were just having that level of a shitty day

That you just wanted to be up so high that your feelings look like ants on the ground

When your best friend tells you she’s dating your X

You wish you that instead of weed you devoured a horse tranquilizer

Something powerful enough to sedate the wondering

If she’s taking so long

because it takes a lot of fucking effort to shit all over you

And you can’t tell her you feel bad

Because then you become the jealous bitch

You don’t have the right to control her life

It’s her decision

But its not about the boy

It’s the fact she did it

When she knew it would hurt you

That you’re not the kind of girl who gets over things

You crawl under them and you still have scars from their barbed wire

So you don’t say anything

Even though you feel like a stream of gasoline slithering across a parking lot

And no one will donate a match

There’s a fire within you but you’re just pollution

Garbage

And when she takes some out and asks you to follow her to the shoot

You find new sympathy for used tampons

So I didn’t say anything

Just stared into empty spaces

Attempting to export my mind

And even though the file is too big you try to refresh refresh refresh

But you’re stuck on the same old page when it’s been updated

Stolen, just like your phone

because the person you’d call when something like this happens

When you are hurt in the kind of way

where you just need to be told you are right

Is too busy rinsing blood off her knife

Everything is disconnected

You never want to speak to her again

but you want to because she’s the person you tell these things

But now there is nothing left to say because even though its her face

Those are not the ears you’re used to

They can’t hear you right

You are going to sound possessive

Over someone who doesn’t want to be with you

And you don’t really want to be with

But you could never really stop loving someone

When you fall

You are opened up

And even though over time the wound is reduced to a scab or scar

When you brush against it

It still hurts

And she is not a pair of raw fingers she is a lit cigarette

And you’re thinking all of these things

As she keeps on mentioning his name

When you try to disassociate the & attached to his and hers

You become thankful for the weed

Because it becomes an excuse for your inability to function

Or hides the handprints across your face

Every time she looks at you like everything is alright

and expects you to think everything is alright

And you tell her not everything is alright

in a thousand monologues in your head

But your lips don’t know the lines

So you decide not to watch the next episode of orange is the new black

You assume you scurried out of her apartment

But nothing feels real anymore

And you aren’t sure if it ever was in the first place

You’re in a stream of unconsciousness

and you drown your way back home

And lay on your bed sobbing

You’re all alone which is a relief

because you don’t want anyone to see you like this

But a curse because you’re not flexible enough

to rest your head on your shoulder to cry on it

When your best friend tells you she’s dating your ex

You know you’re going to end up writing a poem about it

And you can’t

Because it feels like

It feels like

It feels like

I can’t come up with a metaphor to describe it.

It just hurts.