prettyif

Last night I realized that I’m not in a single picture on my wall

Out of all 50 images

I’m not in one

As the clock struck two

I knew that I was in those moments

And my face is placed above my bed

It’s not really my face just a retouched head

All my life I have been told to edit

It’s not done until you’ve reread it

Redraft your papers

Spell check your poems

Don’t ever make the original your final decision

It was only a matter of time before my body became just another place for revision

I just never thought it would get to this

What started as removing a zit

Became full fledged air brushing

I used to put blush to emphasize my cheekbones

But now I move my cheekbones to emphasize my blush

Even when I’m rushing

I draw on my eyebrows in the mirror

And then again in photoshop

I’m a house 
Without foundation my walls will drop

And as I razor off the fat on my thighs

I wonder if that’s the only part of me I’m slicing off

I always liked my nose but last night I made a job out of it

Went to down

Shrunk it down

Then made the photo my pro pic

It’s not just about reducing the size of what my mother always called my ugly fat lips

I brighten and widen my eyes

Lighten the shadow

Line the liner

And I don’t want to sound like a whiner

Because I don’t think I’m ugly

I just have been told I’m not typically pretty enough

To know that I’m probably not at all

Now don’t be appalled

Don’t ask about my insecurities or mentality

I’ve just accepted that guys will always date me for my personality

My priority will never be getting into the top sorority

I’ve accepted that reality

Let me explain and refrain

That I am not ugly

I’m just prettyif

prettyif I had less acne on my face

prettyif there was less fat around my waist

if my eyelashes were thicker I’d get you drunk like liquor

prettyif I possessed a more lifted chest

and i didn’t jiggle when i walked

and my crooked bottom tooth didn't show when I talked

the dress I tried on would look great when I finally lost those 20 pounds

and any guy would dance with me after a couple rounds

I just need a filter
that could change water to alcohol

my skin to a complexion

a jpeg out of my reflection

but my face never cleared up

the diet never worked

my misaligned tooth never felt like a cute quirk

so before I went berserk

I edited out the if

Ariel Sobel is now a beautiful girl

She just rents out her world to Mark Zuckerberg

She’s thin

Has perfect skin

She might be single

But baby you want to be relationshipped in

But no one can reach me at my web address

It doesn’t matter how many likes I possess

Last night I asked my roommate if you can recognize me on the internet

And was surprised when she said yes

I’ve realized that this poem is never going to be finished if I don’t stop editing it

I’m never going to fixed until I stop telling myself I’m broken

Never going to be whole until I stop tearing myself apart

I can’t be pretty if I can’t let myself be

And it doesn't mean anything if I only make the term

Skin or pixel deep

And the only like that matters

Is the one that comes from me.