When Your Best Friend Tells You She's Dating Your X

When your best friend tells you she’s dating your X
You know you’re going to end up writing a poem about it
You feel lines forming
As you ask her, on a date? and she tells you just plain dating
You try to act unsurprised and quickly change the subject
To how much you’d like to watch a new episode of orange is the new black
and when she gets up to pee
you manically repeat the words kill me
Because you already feel like you’re dying inside
Then that edible is kicks in
And you don’t normally do drugs at 10 in the morning
But you were just having that level of a shitty day
That you just wanted to be up so high that your feelings look like ants on the ground

When your best friend tells you she’s dating your X
You wish you that instead of weed you devoured a horse tranquilizer
Something powerful enough to sedate the wondering
If she’s taking so long
because it takes a lot of fucking effort to shit all over you
And you can’t tell her you feel bad
Because then you become the jealous bitch
You don’t have the right to control her life
It’s her decision
But its not about the boy
It’s the fact she did it
When she knew it would hurt you
That you’re not the kind of girl who gets over things
You crawl under them and you still have scars from their barbed wire

So you don’t say anything
Even though you feel like a stream of gasoline slithering across a parking lot
And no one will donate a match
There’s a fire within you but you’re just pollution
And when she takes some out and asks you to follow her to the shoot
You find new sympathy for used tampons

So I didn’t say anything
Just stared into empty spaces
Attempting to export my mind
And even though the file is too big you try to refresh refresh refresh
But you’re stuck on the same old page when it’s been updated
Stolen, just like your phone
because the person you’d call when something like this happens
When you are hurt in the kind of way
where you just need to be told you are right
Is too busy rinsing blood off her knife
Everything is disconnected
You never want to speak to her again
but you want to because she’s the person you tell these things
But now there is nothing left to say because even though its her face
Those are not the ears you’re used to
They can’t hear you right
You are going to sound possessive
Over someone who doesn’t want to be with you
And you don’t really want to be with
But you could never really stop loving someone
When you fall
You are opened up
And even though over time the wound is reduced to a scab or scar
When you brush against it
It still hurts
And she is not a pair of raw fingers she is a lit cigarette

And you’re thinking all of these things
As she keeps on mentioning his name
When you try to disassociate the & attached to his and hers
You become thankful for the weed
Because it becomes an excuse for your inability to function
Or hides the handprints across your face
Every time she looks at you like everything is alright
and expects you to think everything is alright
And you tell her not everything is alright
in a thousand monologues in your head
But your lips don’t know the lines

So you decide not to watch the next episode of orange is the new black
You assume you scurried out of her apartment
But nothing feels real anymore
And you aren’t sure if it ever was in the first place

You’re in a stream of unconsciousness
and you drown your way back home
And lay on your bed sobbing
You’re all alone which is a relief
because you don’t want anyone to see you like this
But a curse because you’re not flexible enough
to rest your head on your shoulder to cry on it

When your best friend tells you she’s dating your ex
You know you’re going to end up writing a poem about it
And you can’t
Because it feels like
It feels like
It feels like
I can’t come up with a metaphor to describe it.
It just hurts.


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