Sex Before Sexuality

I lost my virginity under a bed
the cave where monsters hide

when they’ve grown too big for the closet

our nails sliced each others tumbled tree hipbones

our trembling names army knived across peach bark

there was permanence in those quivers

those matching panties ironed to the floor

that half digested shame

she’d seen my breasts before

but this time I showed her

showed her a drawing of these curves without hemlines
let her color me in with wildfire

It was the first time I bubble wrapped my body in branches

and last time someone thanked me for it

we weren’t in a closet

but I was still hiding

fenced up in her skin

I left no cards in her memories

Became the guy I was afraid to fuck

the bed deserted in a maze of snores

the lethal mute on harmonized heartbeats

After our flame all I wanted was a fire escape

I gave all of me

but took her pieces once the sheets bleached to reminiscence

Ironed myself a virgin for another year

Hoping it could wire her aluminum fingers into a DVR

I could record straight over 

What do you call finding the right person before yourself?

Sex before sexuality?
Learning CPR and in a massacre
and pounding your hands against a gasping corpse

Six months later

at a frat party so buzzard crowded

you could only rot alone

I texted her

Asked if we could do that thing again

that thing

you goddamn well know you aren’t ready to have sex

when you can’t let the word surf your tongue

When it tastes like an apology

or an exclamation point lopsided to a question mark

She was not punctuation

she was the whole sentence

I was just too afraid to say it out loud

But now

I am saying it

Out loud

Standing up as straight as lightning

slightly leaning both ways

but still electrifying
The italicized exclamation point as I was meant to be

the queer girl I was meant to be

We did it under a bed

but that didn’t make us monsters

We did it under a bed

because she didn’t like to sleep too high

because even dreams can be grounded

because this moment didn’t need to be put on a pedestal

We did it under a bed

because coming out shouldn’t be put on a pedestal

It’s skydiving

Not the hardest thing to do

but the hardest thing to decide to do

and I guess I needed her to say yes for me

and the next time I will make her say yes for me

like a sunset stretching its neck across the horizon

Here’s to the next morning.