Suicidal

It was a particularly bad day

When Becky was compelled to say

Don't do anything to hurt yourself.

Something fell off the shelf inside me

Superficial "I'm ok"s

Couldn't hide me

So I utilized a reply-flee

I'm far too egotistical for that.

A glimpse into my best friend's eyes

Provided that her fears hadn't subsided

And she was not satisfied

You can mess and mend over and over again

But you can only kill yourself once

Poetic comeback started to quiver on my lips

And forced me to deliver this:

Hun, I've committed suicide so many times

That I would be surprised

If the Ariel you're talking to doesn't die before these rhymes

If she lasts until tomorrow

It's not an act of lack of pride or sorrow

It's just than when I despise the lies or identity I borrow

I bury them 

And wait for a new individual to stem

From its grave

I could rave

About how many murders I've committed

I do it every time my skin is poorly fitted 

To the situation

Each creation of me 

Is a mutation 

Of the radiation

When I didn't like myself anymore

I've been reinvented so frequently

That as you speak to me

I have enough slaughtered identities

To submerge 10 floors

Because we don't find ourselves

We create them

And I've always been creative

So I do what God did

I make people

My template is my form

His is the earth

So call me Mary

Because I'm a virgin who's given birth

And Jesus Christ

If we're rolling the religious dice

The individuals born

Should be sworn as prophets

And I should get some profits

For setting my soul ablaze

(But I'm Jewish, so none of this shit matters anyways)

And don't you give me that gaze

Because it won't phase me

Just raise me up

Because this world is rough

And when I'm not tough

I make myself into someone who is

There's never been time for me to be a kid

When there wasn't air someone out there

Had to find a way for me to breathe

Can't you see 

I'm not a chameleon

I'm a kaleidoscope

Twisting myself into someone who can cope

When fate can't sate its addiction to tragedy

When pain is life's dope

I have the power

To shower 

And soap up

And adjust into someone I like again

I don't do this to gain friends

Because you'll always be here anyway

But what I'm trying to say

Is that when I feel worthless

And just want to go away

I do

But I just can't resist that yearn to return

So I don't end up in an urn

But a new outfit and outlook

When you look at me today

You see a girl who took many lives

Each of them her own

By simply changing her home and tone

And you might decide this is suicide

But to me it means I've grown

Sewn a new pattern

Onto the quilt of my being

I'm seeing that this is a lot like fleeing

But everything is fleeting

Even the heart beating in my chest

And I must confess

That it scares me

That I find myself so disposable

Opposable 

But that ability in our thumb

Makes us human

This is the face of a new race

One that will displace you stubborn species

Because when everything is feces

Total shit

We say this is it

And shift

Into someone who can lift

The weight of the world

And this must sound so egotistical

Coming from one girl

But there have been so many of me

the freak

the meek

the bleak

the chic

the weird

the teared

the mis-steered

the misheared

the misheard

the herd member

the remembered

I've been below temp

Because I've felt so cold

The centennial 

Because I've felt so old

I'm a perennial

That can't be told to fit the mold

Of everlasting

Because change has been blasting

After since they shoved me on the bus floor

And poured ice tea on me

Screaming

You're worthless

I'd promise you I won't hurt myself

I'd promise you that I would change

But promises are just XLLies

I don't believe in them

But I do believe in the truth

That pieces of you

Fall out

Each a baby tooth

Blood is recycled

And cleansed

So is the heart it runs through

There are 2 things that never deteriorate

My name

Because that's a tattooed label

And that I'm write these poems

Because it's the only thing that's able

To be stable.