Mourning Glory

I wake up to sunlight shrieking
wonder if one day
my bed
will be a graveyard
my bones fossilized between its sheets
there are days when I don’t have the strength to get up
days when I hold my core
to stop it from crumbling
days when the mirror is the nastiest girl in school
I cover up
cover the zits
cover the excess fat
cover all the ugly
swallow pills to fix my acne
pills to liquidate my pudge
pills to make me seen and not heard
heard the makeup across the counter
coat myself with foundation,
to create a thicker skin
a wall to seal ruptures beneath
this crazy
this crazy bitch
bitching and twitching
I’m a wind up doll dancing out of turn
it is always a dance
a tapping across my flesh
fleshy ants colonizing me
I’m hollow
Wood infested with termites
sometimes I wish I was ugly
had an excuse for the hatred
radiating from colliding eyes
everyone treats me like the kid daddy never wanted
because I am the kid who daddy never wanted
who still wanted to want her self
I have dreams of bulldozing people
aspire to make myself flat
purge my personality
because they don’t want a woman with a personality
they convict me for convictions
say I’m prettier with my mouth shut
that girls this girly shouldn’t act like a man
shouldn’t fight like a man
shouldn’t fight a man
but surviving each morning is fighting a man
my bathroom is a battlefield
I’ve cried in that shower
ripped off skin in that sink
I’ve learned to vomit so it doesn’t mess up my hair
mess up
mess up
it’s a mess
i’m a mess
by this flesh
by this need to get ready
I wonder if one day
it won’t feel like night at my vanity
I won’t massacre my own face
getting up won’t be going down
to a hell
I call my morning.


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