I Cheated

Listen, University, we need to talk

I really wish that I had been more upfront about this

But I’ve been seeing other colleges

I said you were the college of my dreams

But I’m not sure what my dreams are anymore

I made a commitment to you

But sometimes I feel like committing made me need to get committed

Him?

What do you want to know about him?
 

He’s beautiful

I like that he’s more prestigious

That when I got in a girl in my bio class told my friend

“I didn’t know Ariel was that smart”

He’s ranked higher than you

When I’m with him people look at me differently

Like I am something

When I’m with you they look at me

Like I’m going to be something

I don’t like the people you hang around

They’re nosy and noisy

They join frats and talk about beer pong on the admitted students’ page

His friends ask about books

And really ask

They dig into the writers and eras

Yours just talk about hating the rival school

He is only three hours away

And he’s close enough to my parents that they can visit

But you want me to move across the country for you

To abandon all I know

And sell my soul to the West coast

Next him you’re fat

Your enormous

And I feel lost in your excessive flesh

He’s small

A mix of familiar faces and places

Yet new scents and tastes

I feel like when I’m there I matter

You make me feel insignificant

Just a damn number

And I know

That was the thing you thought I liked about you

#1 film school

26 in my major

Hundreds of thousands of dollars in merit scholarships

But sometimes I feel like you bought me

He’s more expensive

Too expensive

He knows that he’s world class

Everyone tells me that you are the one

That you will open doors for me

Before I walk into every room

You’ll make me famous

But my closest friends

The people who actually know me

Whisper his name in my ears

And I smile

I like the fact that your past loves

Are George Lucas, Judd Apatow, Shonda Rhymes

And that being with you puts me on their level

But yet I still feel ashamed to wear your shirt

Because although I once thought that you made me worth something

I feel like I’m settling

I hate that I have to stand up for you

Tell everyone how amazing you are

That this is a big deal

(And so am I) goddammit

When I’m with him they know

I know

I hate that I need everyone to validate me

That I need a fancy name to put on the back of my car

That I feel beneath everyone unless they are being dazzled by something

By me being exceptional

Because my greatest is fear is being ordinary

Scratch that

My greatest fear is that my greatest fear is being myself

Because I am mundane

And that shreds my soul

The thought of being a spec on no one’s radar

At least make me be an unseen iceberg

Let me sink something titanic

I don’t even feel like I know you

You aren’t the unattainable dream I thought you were

Sometimes I wish I didn’t even apply

I spent so much time trying to attain you

I worked so hard perfecting essays and plays and samples

(My supplement was over 30 pages)

The thought of giving you up is unheard of

Because I’m bound by this “once in a lifetime opportunity”

 But maybe mine is the wrong lifetime

Maybe the right lifetime
Is the girl who has been making movies since she was ten

I’m a poet

Not a screenwriter

And I don’t think I’m adequate at that

Tonight my mother told me that I will never make it

I have no talent

And that I’m living a delusion

And all the connections and reflections and inspections

Will never transgress me from being nothing

Because that’s all I have

Nothing

Talent

Nothing

Success

Nothing

Respect

Nothing

Brilliance

Nothing

Ariel

Nothing

And I believe her

Because mother knows best

That I’ll never exceed the rest

I’m a high school girl not fit for the men

Because when they separate us I won’t even fall with the boys

So I put on his sweatshirt and lie on my bed some nights and cry

With him I feel safe

I feel at home

Appreciated by people who see things in me I never thought to see in myself

Sometimes I don’t want to go back to you because

You terrify me

I’m not sure if I know you

And I’m not sure if I know me

And you tell me that I am good enough

I’m not sure if I can handle someone who loves me

Unconditionally

Who wants to pay and care for me

You’re challenging and more intense than even I am

You want me to become a better me

And make you a better you

While he just wants me to improve

Just wants me to adhere to his standards

To mold in his community—which already is a close fit

You’re distant and foreign

I don’t know if I can discover all of you in time

But I was talking to one of the girl’s who’s been with him

And she says that

Terrifying can be good

And there is something

Terrifyingly wonderful

Mysteriously mystical

About you

And I enrolled in you

I committed myself to us

Even though I don’t understand who I am yet

Because there are only a few degrees of feeling
Between fear and thrills.