The Loves of My Life

met the love of my life
when i was four
and when i was seven
and when i was twelve
and when i was fourteen
and when i was seventeen
he was blonde and tall
and he dropped my preschool jaw
down to the floor
we shared a milkshake at the diner
and talked about soccer
a sport i pretended i played and understood
he was born deaf
and said i was the next van gogh
and expected me to cut off my ear
he had no fear to flaunt his jewfro
but took four months for his lips to go on the back of my neck
while we were watching the most romantic film of all time
The Pink Panther
He sent me definitions of words i never knew existed
He resisted saying hello for months
but he never failed to trail my skin with goose bumps

and he
and he

were destined for me
for eternity
we fit like spit in a ball
like japy moms in their daughters jeans at the mall
like leafs on the grass in the fall
he understood me
showed me what i could be
fulfilled every fantasy
even when moments got hairy
i knew we were going to get married
he’d be by my side because i was meant to be his bride
but when i closed my eyes
he would vanish
only to be replaced
by a new face
set of hands and atria
and each time it left me terrified
how i lied to myself
saying that our life had an eternal shelf
and my heart is left with welts
from the times i led it along
and smacked it around
how i labelled its sound without even taking its pulse
i wanted to believe
that i had found him
when i should’ve been waiting to find me first
because the worst
was that 
didn’t go as rehearsed
no cake or promise love til hearse
i thought i liked the song
before i even got through the second verse
i reached into my purse
and gave him my id
because something inside me
informed me that he was the one
and i let him strum
along like a guitar
cemented to him like tar
i dont know why im so positive of something so fleeting
i think im depleting my deposits of positivity
there isn’t much left to give of me
because i’ve given away my heart
and all i have left is kidneys
and that would not look good as a hallmark card
my arteries have been clogged with lard
because i have been eating naive pie
thinking that one glance from his eye
means that there’s a connection
that i should look and see him in my reflection
and after much introspection

i’ve realized that i’m not carrie bradshaw

these guys dont unzip my bra
but my skin
i let them look within
rearrange my veins and domains
when all i really know is their names
i hop into love too early
probably because that makes better poetry
because that is the only man who’s stuck by me
i’ve been in a relationship with rhetoric for years
and i guess im destined
to marry my own art
because regardless of how many times i’ve rented it out
he’s the only one who owns my heart.


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